At some point in my life…

Beautiful, loving, perfect, amazingly wonderful…  This letter is for you.  My ever-child, who will always be perfectly pure and full of possibility.  I love you! <3

I look within myself and see your smile, untouched by sadness or grief; awaiting the next great adventure with your next favorite playmate.  You are pure.  You are good.  You are one who really cares about the state of the world.  You see the beauty and light in everyone.  You allow yourself to love and give without fear or limits.  You are who I aspire to be.  You remind me that there really is nothing to fear, that all really is okay and that I am always supported, always provided for.  You have a direct connection with the divine, with all of my angels, the souls I long for within myself.  You see and interact with them daily.  To you, they are closer than ever.   You are who looks back at me through my eyes in the mirror.  You reveal to me glimpses of my own beauty.  You remind me that I am enough.  I am beautiful.  I am smart.  I am capable.  I am strong.  I am vulnerable, too.  I am loveable.  I am deserving.  You know the pain I feel better than anyone.  You witness the ocean of loss and abandonment, then lovingly cradle me in your arms, again and again.  You know me like no one else.  You see all sides of me and love me because of my complexity instead of in spite of it.  You remind me what it feels like to play with no curfew, to love with no fear, to see with no veil.  Maybe you scare me a little. How can you love me still, even after all of the mistakes I’ve made, after all the times I fell short of being who I intended to be?  How do you still recognize me with all of these accumulations I am wearing? Can I ever let go of the pain I have been carrying with me like a nomad?  It is getting heavy and I am growing tired.  I keep wanting someone to come and lighten my load.  Help me, heal me, love me…but maybe that’s your job.  If I have ever kept you from protecting me, saving me, I surrender now, in this moment.  I humbly sit and cry in front of you and allow you see my pain, all of it, un-edited and raw.  

I feel ugly,  my skin reflects that. I stand at the mirror and get lost in my imperfections.  I look like no one I’ve seen.  I see beauty in others and try to mimic it, but can’t seem to make it fit.  I relax into a moment and then start to wonder how I appear and so the moment is lost.  I hear the words “I love you” from another and I wonder what part of me they must be overlooking in order to love me.  How can they love me? I find it impossible sometimes.  Soon, I convince myself, they will see what I really am and make a disapproving face, then leave me.  How will I ever trust that someone will see me with eyes of love?  I am always so sure that their rejection is right around the corner, and it usually is.  Others tolerate me.  I am always anticipating when I will see or feel them grow tired of me and so I have my bags packed at the door at all times.  “Love me” I cry from the inside.  But don’t let them hear me or they will label me as “needy”, “crazy”, “clingy”.  Appear okay.  Say everything with a smile and whatever you do, don’t cry or show your endless ocean of sadness….it’s too uncomfortable for others.  It’s too much to ask for them to be uncomfortable in my presence.  So what if I really didn’t exist anymore as the version of myself this world knows?  People may think of me or miss me, but really, they’d move on and forget about me because, what do I really have to offer that’s so original?  Maybe I am so nice and accomodating to others because I am trying to make up for the fact that they have to look at me.  The least I could do is to be nice, so they get something out of the deal.  What do I bring to the table?  Most of the knowledge I have is scattered at best.  I don’t appear to have any amazing talents that are mine and mine alone.  I don’t feel that I offer much beauty to this world by my physical presence.  The contributions I make, sure I mean well, but never seem to follow through.  Underneath all of the armor of nice and sweet, I am very lonely… very dark… very nothing.  So why am I so afraid of being abandoned if I already feel alone?  What’s the difference? Am I always apologizing for my existence?  I guess I’ve always felt like the ugly duckling, but never grew into the swan.  Sure, I can imagine myself as beyond the needs to seek approval or acceptance from others.  Am I really beyond it, though? Will who I see ever be enough?  I always feel that people are just waiting to fool me, laugh at me, make fun of me, reject me… I always feel awkward, different.  I’m so used to being hurt that I expect to be hurt and and again.  I keep waiting for my special talent , my real self to emerge.  I keep hoping that someone will really see me, but even when they appear to, it makes me feel pressure to keep up the charade so they don’t change their minds.  What magic have those seen in me, who have then turned their back on me?  How can they look away unless I wasn’t really that magical to begin with? Who wants to put up with the level of hurt I have accumulated?  Who has that much patience, understanding or love?

<3 I do.  I see you as far more beautiful than you can ever fathom.  I have seen your hurts and heartbreaks and I am so sorry that no one could protect you from all of it.  I am sorry that you lost your one and only dad.  And I’m sorry that nobody makes it okay to talk about how that feels.  I’m sorry your days don’t always start by hearing how beautiful and wonderful someone sees that you are.  You have abilities that cannot be measured because they are vast.  The talents you possess will be used for a higher purpose and so haven’t made sense to you just yet.  There is a place for all that you are and all you will become.  There is a person who will see and understand you as I do.  It is your spiritual twin and this person can see you clearly, and always will.  You will be together soon, love.  I know it has been hard to travel this journey on your own.  That other aspect of yourself has been doing the same and so will understand you in a way that no one ever has.  You are held in light, a special light because you are chosen.  You know this; the thought enters your mind and you dismiss it because you feel unworthy. But you are worthy.  All of this has been pushing you into the life that waits for you.  It will all make sense soon, child.  Please trust that you have so many souls around you who love you and see all that you already are.  You have nothing to do but to acknowledge this.  Acknowledge the gift that you are to your world.  You are magnificent.  Those who didn’t love you as you wished, loved you just the same with all they were capable of at the time. You are so forgiving and accepting of love as it comes to you.  It is safe for you to be open to love in all of it’s forms.  What you cannot define is a love you have yet to experience.  All of the samples of love so far have been to serve your highest good, so that you will know your love when you really experience it.  Then, there will be no more questioning whether or not you are good enough.  When you look into one another’s eyes, there will be nothing left to ponder.  Together, you will create this new world and you will never lose sight of it as you will always have that divine spark between you.   You know this and that is why you long for it.  Your soul remembers this love and wants to experience it again.  Your love beckons you as you beckon your love. You call out to each other.  But stop to listen and you will feel it approaching.  I love you with all of the universe.  You deserve that level of love.  Please know and trust that everything that seems to stand in the way of this love is in it’s place on purpose.  It will all be removed as it needs to be.  Trust in the lessons that these current and past relationships have been teaching you.  Love yourself.  Allow that love to cradle you, envelop you, and wipe away your tears.  You are not alone.  Your love is on the way to you now and all you have to be is your wonderful self.  As you do, it sends out a light to call your love towards you.  You are meant for each other and so you cannot mess up or fail.  You are in this very moment on purpose.  Writing this letter at this moment is what fuels the next event.  I am so proud of you for always coming home to me.  You are doing so much and the world is at your command.  <3 <3 <3

I found this letter as I was clearing out my clutter.  It’s powerful for me to read something I wrote which rings to true and reunites me, for a moment, with a part of myself which I’ve released. This was one of many channeled writing sessions I’ve experienced.  When I read it today, it all came flooding back to me.  As my tears were released, something told me to share my words. Perhaps it rings true for others. <3

9 thoughts on “Raw

  1. “How can they love me? I find it impossible sometimes. Soon, I convince myself, they will see what I really am and make a disapproving face, then leave me.”

    May I ask… and not of course for me to necessarily know, but more so.. for you to acknowledge and let yourself know.. as I have had the same “self talk” in my own life/head/belief systems as what you’ve wrote about in the above quotations…
    What is it that makes you .. or in that space at that time, in which you were writing from, belief that you are so dark and unworthy of love? What these sentences ‘rang’ in my own being, as I read them to myself, was.. What is it that I (you) believe is so dark, so bad.. that I (you) would say to myself (yourself), ‘once they see who I really am, they will leave ..’? What am I really?? Am I so unloveable.. was I really so unloveable??? Were those the beliefs and the expectations and the opinions and the judgments of what others or my environment placed on me??? Is what I was feeling then merited in who I am, really??
    Was there self judgment of actions that I’ve made in my life?? Choices that I’m not “proud” of?? That I’ve damned myself for, even in the tiniest place within my mind.. what has my “self talk” told me to believe that I am.. who I am.. what I’m all about??
    Can I see now, in this present moment, where those strings or ties have bound my energy field.. my belief system… my being.. to a sense of judgment, fear, guilt, embarrassment, shame?????? Do I really believe those things about myself or have those ugly judgments still in which I cling to (even in the tiniest places within myself??).. Do they ‘vibe’ with where I’m at today???? What I am doing in today’s world??? Where I’ve come to be??? Where I want to go??? Who I am???

    If not… embrace them for the lessons that they’ve presented…
    Thank them for the “signs” that they’ve provided for you to grow from..
    Be in complete acceptance of the parts in which made up an old part of being..
    and then be grateful for their ties and binds… for they are there only to make us stronger in our new now.. in OUR lives.. in OUR success in happiness and love… It’s all a part of who we are… Yet if we are regretful, ashamed, embarrassed or deny any part of our lives, our actions, our choices.. are we really every wholly who we strive to be?? Or is there then those points of ‘resistance’ in which we will forever encounter in stepping or striving towards our goals and aspirations of who or where or what we want to be???

    Yes, I resonate with what you’ve written, and I have a lot of the same in my own ‘notes of self’ for me to reflect on and place into the part of the puzzle of me..

    Love yourself, forgive yourself, be honest with yourself… Accept yourself and your life for your own…
    As you want to share with the rest of the world everything you are..
    we can only TRULY do that if we first have all those attributes inside ourselves.. and for ourselves first and foremost…
    If we continue to feel shame, regret or guilt about who we are, where we’ve come from, what we’ve encountered or any part of our being… That, is what we really omit to anyone else outside of ourselves as well…
    <3 <3 <3

    1. wow! Thank you for your words, Tonya. I think in writing the letter to myself, I was using it to go where I didn’t normally go. We’re taught and trained to “focus on the positive” but what happens when the negative shouts a little louder. In my experience, being positive can sometimes mean that we are denying that the negative exists at all. We all have a light and a shadow about us. We all have things which we wouldn’t perhaps choose on a menu for our ideal version of self. In being honest, brutally honest, especially through written words, I’ve found that it releases us from the patterns and belief systems which can hold us prisoner.

      1. Sandra thank you!!!! this was touching intelligent and relevant on so many levels for me!!!! i adore you sis! thanks again! <3

  2. Sandra, I see you at Drum circle and I am astounded at your beauty, your movement, your smile into the setting sun, your wonderful loose drumming, how you witch the stick like a sorceress, your choice of most cool clothing, and friendliness and love you show to others. Also the cool guy you come with who is such an awesome drummer. You’ve seen me but we never met. I’m just an old guy from Boston who hangs out with Maji from time to time, but your presence lights up many evenings for me. So, never question your beauty and its effects on others. If you could see yourself the way others see you you would glow in the knowing! ( as Maji would rhyme!)

    1. WOw! THank you so much for your kind words! It was so nice of you to share this with me <3 Blessings to you. Say "hi" next time, John 🙂

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