Sitting still

 

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Can we hit rewind? I’m trying to remember how it used to be when I didn’t have much to do except hang off the edge of my bed and feel the blood rush to my head.  That seems so long ago.  So much movement has happened since those days.  My life, at times has felt like “Where’s Waldo”.  Can’t quite pin down where I’m at or where I’ll go next. For quite some time my story begs to be shared.  So many lessons, so much pain.  So much feeling.  So many truths which have stared me in the face, unwilling to let me look away.   But where do I begin?  Describing it to a massage client today, “I notice how uncomfortable I feel when I sit still…so I keep moving”.  I was referring to dancing, but I guess that statement can be taken quite literally.  So what’s a girl to do when she’d like to stay put for a bit?  I guess the choice becomes to sit in my discomfort or move it along and find some new distractions for awhile.  I have come to believe that if you don’t feel grateful to be exactly where you’re at, move on and let someone else enjoy what you aren’t able to.  I could always tell it was time to go when those dreams of mine sat on a shelf collecting dust and I looked their way, unfulfilled and yearning for more of a connection to mySELF.  “Do I feel lucky to be here?” I would ask myself.  The next move would soon reveal itself and my dusty dreams would be boxed away, to be opened again in my new version of “home” shiny and new once again.  Possibility! Hooray!

The first time I moved to Las Vegas at 21, I remember how freeing it felt to reinvent myself.  Letting go of my painful past, I could now be anyone I wanted to be.  Who am I? Well, only who I say I am… someone else…certainly not who I used to be.  The more I began to let go of my “story”, the more I started to reveal my truer self.   As my new surroundings shaped me, slowly, more passages were crossed out, more pages removed.   I guess it’s like hand-me-down clothes.  I began to let go of the qualities which had previously been a part of this Michigan girl’s story but now no longer fit.  I found other qualities to try on…some a little less flattering than others.

Since discovering the west coast of Florida, I’ve never felt more at “home” than in this place.   The drum circle community has taught me what true acceptance feels like.  Dancing under an open sky with the moon as my partner, learning to place my hands on drums and create sounds which are pleasing to more than just my own ears.  While I am overwhelmed by how many synchronistic and “on-purpose” encounters I experience with random strangers, It seems that most of my amazing connections have been witnessed by only myself.  Those angels and unseen guides who seem to surround me always are there with me in the moments of solitude among the crowd.  “How can a person feel so alone when surrounded by others”? I used to ask myself.  Now I know that it’s just a part of this connection to my only self.  I must disconnect from “out there” to reconnect “in here”.  At times it feels much more comfortable in here than out there anyway.  Choosing to be a positive influence can feel pretty exhausting.  I can play the part of a professional, a Massage Therapist, a teacher… but underneath my welcoming presence, sometimes, I just want to curl up in a ball and take a big nap far away from anyone who’s vying for my attention.  I guess that’s part of sitting still…stopping long enough to ask ourselves “do I feel lucky to be here?”.

 

5 thoughts on “Sitting still

  1. This is a time for self reflection and you are right on the path for such. The stories that you want to share, that have taught the lessons, that have opened new doors and pathways, that…youre really not alone in experiencing…nor alone in keeping locked away inside.. Are possibly what is screaming for you to put into the forefront of your being, to feel..and revisit..to again, find the lessons from..amd then to openly share with the rest of the world who have many people in it with the same or similar stories wrapped up in their beings…The fear of rejection, unacceptance and feelings of vulnerabilty and rawness are just some of the “reasons” we, as humans, store this sacred information.. Fear is only put in us as a form of coping with what we had or do believe as being what saves us from being raw and vulnerable with not only ourselves..but with others as well. We fear that if we are wholly honest with all of what, who and where we have come from..and who we really are..that the result of sharing or even allowing those parts of our truths with anyone, will only result in their..or our own judgments.
    Its only when we can fully embrace, own, and share our truths.. our whole truths with ourselves… that then we can see and live our truths amongst others..
    So.. the question that came to me as I read and felt this entry youve written..is..
    What have you done that is of such magnitude of “badness”, that you then have let keep a mask over top of your true expression and vibrance for living your own birthright in life?? I pretty much can vouch for you here if you need… Youve done nothing wrong..You are worthy of sharing you…ALL of you…in ALL of your facets..through the sharing of your story of life and lessons learned..with those of others who are sitting with a fear of coming into their FULL selves due to the “stories” adopted as self judging truth..
    Be you.. Be you in your FULLEST potential..Start within..find her.. see what her story is really..compared to what your mind, the perceptions of others, and your own self judgment has made the story to be.
    This is a time for total truth of self, unto and from self.. Transformation of old beliefs, judgments, expectations and avenues to fail.. Release the old stigmatisms in order to reveal whole and complete self truth.. Accept what we cannot change..and be the lesson in which we want to learn. Love.. Forgive.. Allow.. Be.. You.
    “..Youre in my heart..youre in my soul.. youll be my friend til I grow old.. you are my lover.. youre my best friend.. youre in my soul…”

    1. <3 Thank YOU. Beautiful to be touched by the caress of your words:) Reading the letter today felt like being reunited with a stranger. That I felt those emotions, that I was honest about feeling it in that moment, and that I didn't remember feeling so much until I re-read my own words. These all show me that I AM growing. I am doing the "work" as some of my teachers have called it. And I am dancing with the fire. Dancing...enjoying...embracing...and facing :) Thank you so much for your encouragement! I hope I offer you the same!

      Holy Cow! You posted on the previous blog and I totally thought it was regarding today's. Interesting that you referred to being "raw and vulnerable" in this post about the previous one and it fit perfectly with the new blog :) No accidents!

        1. Thank you, Robin. That’s always how i feel, inspired and intrigued by the writer of my own words. Similar to when I drum and dance, I go somewhere else. It’s pretty awesome. So glad it can be understood and appreciated by more than just me:)

      1. Every aspect or ‘lesson’ returns us to where we need to be..
        In order to grow we just got to allow ourselves to know who.. where.. why and what we’ve come from ~ and from there it is a necessity to have acceptance, compassion, forgiveness, and the freedom in which to either grow from that part or aspect of our lives, or to let those aspects simply be where we once were, who we once thought we were, or were told we were, and understand through our own feeling of self, that we aren’t there any longer, we don’t have those same ‘expectations’ or beliefs about ourselves.. as they were never ours to begin with.. just a part of the ‘make up’ in which we have experienced in becoming.. who we are today..
        Love, Love, Love you!!!!!

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