Can we hit rewind? I’m trying to remember how it used to be when I didn’t have much to do except hang off the edge of my bed and feel the blood rush to my head. That seems so long ago. So much movement has happened since those days. My life, at times has felt like “Where’s Waldo”. Can’t quite pin down where I’m at or where I’ll go next. For quite some time my story begs to be shared. So many lessons, so much pain. So much feeling. So many truths which have stared me in the face, unwilling to let me look away. But where do I begin? Describing it to a massage client today, “I notice how uncomfortable I feel when I sit still…so I keep moving”. I was referring to dancing, but I guess that statement can be taken quite literally. So what’s a girl to do when she’d like to stay put for a bit? I guess the choice becomes to sit in my discomfort or move it along and find some new distractions for awhile. I have come to believe that if you don’t feel grateful to be exactly where you’re at, move on and let someone else enjoy what you aren’t able to. I could always tell it was time to go when those dreams of mine sat on a shelf collecting dust and I looked their way, unfulfilled and yearning for more of a connection to mySELF. “Do I feel lucky to be here?” I would ask myself. The next move would soon reveal itself and my dusty dreams would be boxed away, to be opened again in my new version of “home” shiny and new once again. Possibility! Hooray!
The first time I moved to Las Vegas at 21, I remember how freeing it felt to reinvent myself. Letting go of my painful past, I could now be anyone I wanted to be. Who am I? Well, only who I say I am… someone else…certainly not who I used to be. The more I began to let go of my “story”, the more I started to reveal my truer self. As my new surroundings shaped me, slowly, more passages were crossed out, more pages removed. I guess it’s like hand-me-down clothes. I began to let go of the qualities which had previously been a part of this Michigan girl’s story but now no longer fit. I found other qualities to try on…some a little less flattering than others.
Since discovering the west coast of Florida, I’ve never felt more at “home” than in this place. The drum circle community has taught me what true acceptance feels like. Dancing under an open sky with the moon as my partner, learning to place my hands on drums and create sounds which are pleasing to more than just my own ears. While I am overwhelmed by how many synchronistic and “on-purpose” encounters I experience with random strangers, It seems that most of my amazing connections have been witnessed by only myself. Those angels and unseen guides who seem to surround me always are there with me in the moments of solitude among the crowd. “How can a person feel so alone when surrounded by others”? I used to ask myself. Now I know that it’s just a part of this connection to my only self. I must disconnect from “out there” to reconnect “in here”. At times it feels much more comfortable in here than out there anyway. Choosing to be a positive influence can feel pretty exhausting. I can play the part of a professional, a Massage Therapist, a teacher… but underneath my welcoming presence, sometimes, I just want to curl up in a ball and take a big nap far away from anyone who’s vying for my attention. I guess that’s part of sitting still…stopping long enough to ask ourselves “do I feel lucky to be here?”.