One day, I was pretty much drowning in my life. Finances were super tight, responsibilities were high, and i felt very low. I sat down and wrote an intention that my higher self purpose could be realized, because i felt like i was tired, always, and only felt valuable when i was massaging or giving in some way…which my body and spirit were wearing out from. And then this happened, and more, but how can i remember every detail? And would I even want to?! It was all a moment in the scheme of things…But once it felt so big, so here’s some of my story:
11: Positive Characteristics: A Master number, the 11 is the most intuitive of all numbers. It is instinctual, charismatic, dynamic and capable when its sights are set on a concrete goal. The 11 is the number associated with faith and psychics.
Negative Characteristics: The 11 can be anxious, shy, stressed, conflicted and scattered. When focus is not applied toward a goal, the 11 can be extremely self-sabotaging. As a Master number, the positive characteristics will turn into obstacles when not understood or used properly.
22: Positive Characteristics: The 22 is the most powerful of all numbers, able to turn lofty dreams into realities. It is confident, pragmatic, ambitious and disciplined.
Negative Characteristics: Impracticality and self-imposed pressure can get the better of the 22. When unaware of its own potential, the 22 will miss out on or shy away from necessary opportunities.
I journaled for hours that night. Have you ever experienced automatic writing? I wrote about the dream i remembered from before i came here to this body, to this place. The dream i remembered before I moved to Florida. To do good things and send out good energies and vibrations so that maybe, when I’m gone, the world could be a little better off for having me visit. Sadness can make you find something deep inside of yourself that longs to sing out and be heard. I called on that vision to create something to uplift a big collective of people all in one environment, mainly because I needed uplifting. Going to drum circles and festivals and feeling that vibe, attending the “I can do it” conferences and feeling the buzz which can be created around people coming together, finding my voice through song…those were all building blocks for what i felt called to create…the dissatisfaction of hurtful individuals who would make me look at myself in them and grow beyond the best version of myself I had yet known…that was too. Learning to see beyond the limits which others place upon us… I looked around my blossoming life, which i felt too tired to enjoy, and saw so many amazing souls who would shine so brightly in a moment that it would call on that part of me which remembers her own beauty, her own majesty, and feel good. Dancers and hoopers and drummers and spinners and artists and writers and yogis and heart-lifters and musicians and INSPIRATION! In my life, i felt alive, but burnt out. I called on this wish to have a place to gather these people who inspire me and show the rest of the community, who these people are and who you CAN be when you remember to be yourself all the way. I asked that this could happen even though i couldn’t see out of my financial hole. Here’s how the Universe responded:
The next day, a former client of mine shared during her massage that a wedding was called off and the mansion she reserved could not be refunded. She wished it could be used for something, or her deposit money would be wasted.. I shared with her my intention from the night before. (I think that when we call on the Universe to help us, it’s important to take action when we are inspired to… Keep the flow going. By sharing my vision with her, I was calling it into being and having a witness to my goal, so i would keep going till i got there.) Out of curiosity, I asked the date of the event:11-22. Chills. And at the same moment, a feeling of dread. I knew i would do this event and I knew it would be a lot of work ahead of me. I told her I’d think about it and see what I felt. I went home that night and mapped out an “if i did this event, what would it look like”. The opinions I asked of those i trusted all said the same: it’s too much work, i don’t think you can…and then a few who said “this sounds fun, i’m in”. I prayed my little heart out for some guidance. Should I do this? Will the community accept this offering and even understand what I’m envisioning? Then I remembered how overwhelmed with gratitude and possibility i felt after going to the “I can do it”. If i could offer a space for even a fraction of that feeling for others to feel….it could create a ripple effect to put a positive spin on things. i created my soul’s playground, a place i’d like to invite others to visit so they could get to know themselves better. Yoga, drumming, dancing, singing, meditations, prayer, art, hooping, fire, people who inspire me…That night I felt anxiety, by taking on this event, I would have less than 2 months to pull it off, no $, and so much to do, plus the feeling in the back of my mind of not wanting to disappoint anyone who took the time to believe in it. And what if nobody attends? I had never done something like this before, but after looking deeper into the meaning of 11/22, it felt like the Universe was answering my call, at least a little, and asking me to show up and see what could be…A trial run, an opportunity to do something way out of my comfort zone and help shine a light on others who made me feel lighter by knowing them. The time went by quickly! I learned more than i ever wanted to know about event planning. I also learned about standing up for myself. The woman who offered the space was doing me a favor, hosting a positive event at a mansion she reserved, with no $ except what came in through the door…which i was asking to make a “suggested donation” since I was getting calls from people saying they believed in what i was doing, but couldn’t afford the $10, and could they still come?! This arrangement came at a price though. I tried to back out three different times. I was not comfortable working with someone else’s investment, asking others to do something i didn’t even know if they’d fully understand what i was asking of them. It felt like a tremendous amount of pressure. I told her “I don’t think i can get your $5,000 back…i can’t even seem to do that for myself.” “Just make it part of your process, Sandra, I think this would be good for you”…oh did i mention she is a psychotherapist…? So I went against my better judgement and said yes…when i meant no. I took on unreasonable deadlines, too many commitments, being talked out of my original vision, and long hours of planning and prepping and calls and emails. And i did the best that i could, and worked a full massage schedule, tired, and broke and pushing on for a cause.… Every single day i woke up with a weight on my mind, but i felt called to keep going…There was a lot sacrificed for this event, including my sanity! But i knew at the end of it, i would be more equipped to handle the life i was asking for…and i knew that my intention was pure. It wasn’t about making money, it was about something else. So, I asked for help from the friends in my community, from my family, asked people to witness my vision, or at least support me by attending. People helped! And more than that, people enjoyed themselves. I had so many people reach out to me and tell me how much that day meant to them. i was overwhelmed with gratitude for the amount of help i received from all angles. The day was a blur for me But it was really well received by the community. Lots of hugs and fun, drumming, dancing, hooping, vending, donations, socializing, networking, and positive intention. As the sun started to set, my client took me aside and insisted we count the money which was gathered at the door…There were hundreds of people who attended, and i wish i had a head count…but in our donation box was just over $200…”Great, I guess i’m out my 5 grand”…she blasted me…i handed her the money and said “i’m sorry i couldn’t get your money back, but thank you for the space”…we were left to clean everything up and somehow….with the help of so many people, we were cleaned, and off property by our deadline…”it was a good day” my sister reminded me…while the tears streamed down my face.
On 11-23, I woke up early, and realized it was the first day in almost 2 months that i didn’t have to immediately hit the ground running. i sat down to meditate while the house was quiet. I crumpled in tears, exhausted from the fight… and the message that came as clear as a bell was: It doesn’t have to hurt you, in order to help others”. When a friend asked me to do this event again, i declined 3 times…but i did it anyway, and learned more….and it mattered…and we received an email from a counselor who brought her patient to our Day of Consciousness at Oscar Scherer state Park…a recovering addict who she told us, overdosed in the days after this event. But she was so thankful we hosted 11-22 because he got to have one really great day, and it mattered…
Not sure why 11-22 is so impactful for me…but since I realized it is….it has continued to be. And then I saw my birth certificate, something i’ve seen many times before and realized that my time of birth was at 11:22. This year, I chose to celebrate 11-22 by not doing much, just whatever I wanted…reflecting on all of the beautiful lessons and setting some intentions for what comes next. I stayed up last night into the morning, working on art projects. I took the day off today. Later we’ll drum down the sun and dance under the night sky. I’ve had the chance today to read, chat with my family, enjoy a slow cup of some of my love’s coffee, write, visit with a friend, play the harp, play the organ, and have a moment of connection with my dad’s energy. This morning, i was reading, and just like always, out of the blue, my mind shifted to my dad and how he never liked to hear me say “that sucks”….”why couldn’t i just be like the other kids?”, i thought….”cuz you’re not”, he reminded me…and he continues to remind me that he’s around. He’s the reason I said yes to creating the Day of Consciousness: Playground for the Soul. He’s usually the reason i do most things which scare me…he’s always there, reminding me that life is short…keep going…dream big, show up, use your voice…and live a little louder, play a little longer…and remember to take good care of his little girl…
“Remaining calm no matter what is going on around you is an incredible challenge, but it will liberate your psychic sense… You have the option of moving from being an emotion-laden reactor to a curious, aware observer.” -Sonia Choquette