Monthly Archives: February 2015

The majesty of my fallen grace

There are only so many tears to cry for any given heartache. There are only so many ways to say “farewell” to a dream or an idea we might have had    for how we thought our life would go. Surrendering again, the tears wash over me like a wave. I used to pray for numbness so that I wouldn’t have to feel the hurt anymore. There’s been so much hurt. So many monster lessons.  Earth-shattering loss and undeniable pain.  I’ve been smacked across the face, shown my most vulnerable self, my most shattered me. I don’t think that it possible for people such as me to be numb.  Feeling is experience. I am here to experience it all. Sometimes the experiences aren’t something I’d ever want to return to….Sometimes they represent something I would want to return to again and again.  Raw, revealed, bitter, hurtful. Truth. Honest awareness of what is happening.  Of what is ending. Of what is beginning. Of what is taking place.  Who will I become as a result of this? I wonder. How can i move beyond what was? what is…if I shy away from feeling the undeniable pain and loss that is associated with losing?  Were the moments of grace and magic worth it? Were they? Were they real at all?  This person or that, before they disappeared from my life… like a dream, a vapor of feeling and glorious witnessed grace. Do I let my imagination run away with me? Were they ever really here at all?  Another angel to remind me of a quality within myself.  Do I assign feelings to others and assume that they are right there with me?
when in fact they may be a world away, just happily smiling. In this moment I know and remember what alone feels like.  I look to her to stroke my hair and allow me to move past the idea that this person or that may have seen who I am…who I could be. But who remains?  Only me….here with me. The majesty of my fallen grace is my greatest offering.                                                              Collapsed and bruised, I lay down all of my armour.  My suffering and my despair has led me again to this place of only looking upon it. Gaze upon myself and see that there I am, still on the floor, waiting for the storm to pass.  I blend with the source that protects me and greet my holiest of holy selves,  lying naked on the floor. She is accepting of anything at this moment.  And so I give her grace.    Her eyes gaze upon me as I take her by the hand and place it to my heart.

Letting go

 

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Non-attachment has been the theme lately.  Learning to let go and understand that others will never know me like this cuz it’s all for me.  I am for myself in these moments.  I understand that others will perceive me in the way their own experiences direct them to.  I am finally honest in the presence of myself. Help me to be honest in the world around me.  Help my love to transform those around me.  Allow me to continue loving with all of me, no matter how much it hurts to let go.  Allow us all to rise to our highest potential and live in the light of our highest truths.  Help us to awaken and reveal the true essence of who we are and what we came here to do, as this tribe, as this family.  Help the former story to strip away and reveal an even deeper love and devotion for peace to come through on every occasion.